Of all the changes I thought to make...

I have often dreamed of changes I would make to my life.  Healthier eating, walking and playing more.  Travelling the world.  I have even dreamed of owning my own business and owning my own home with a small "hobby" farm.

Never have I imagined, or dreamed, or thought of becoming a Runner.  That was always out of reach for me.  I'm too plain, too wide, too short, too homey, too slow, too old, too geeky, too nerdy....I am not a runner and never will be.  Vetoed that thought even as it crossed my mind watching others.  Wish I could be, but my body is just not built for running.  And that's that.

Have you ever heard of "fake it 'til ya make it"? or how we build walls to protect ourselves only to find we've limited our ability to grow and flourish?  Have you ever heard of the "Red Ball/Green Ball" strategy of dealing with negative self talk?

Here's the thing.  There are many things I have dreamed of doing, but I had these walls limiting me.  These brick walls are tough and tall and block out a lot of good stuff.  I've known for some time there was better on the other side, but I didn't know how to break down the walls.  So I "faked it".  I pretended to live life as if I was getting out of these walls.  When I started to slip back into my old habits, I would "Green Ball" it and override the habit with the actions I wanted to be true. 

Green Ball?  When you do or say something negative and destructive, that is called a "Red Ball".  You can do nothing with the Red Ball or you can hold on to it.  You can toss it away or you can choose not to catch it in the first place.  But whatever you do with it, you then override it with a "Green Ball".  You do or say something about the situation that is positive and constructive.  So everytime I slipped up or ran up against my walls, I tried to remember to throw a "Green Ball" at it.

The last couple of years have been tough for me.  New learning, new ways of doing things, I have a new baby!  I've had to make some new changes to make things succeed.  As much as I had to make changes, I kept running up against negative, destructive actions and talk...and not all of it was my own!  For every "Red Ball" I was presented with, I struggled to fire a "Green Ball" against my walls.  Imagine, if you will, bouncy balls...lots of them...bouncing around in a small round room at high velocity.  Standing in the middle of that been my life for the last while.

Today, I realized..I am a Runner.  Today, I jogged for half of my 30 minute "walk" in 5 minute stints.  I felt great!  I felt powerful.  I felt the surge of adrenaline and endorphins hit in the last jog as I rounded the corner to see my home just that little distance away!  I felt like I was crashing through a finish line in a marathon!  All this time, all those bouncing balls were weakening my walls.  A whole wall of my existance has crashed down around me in rubble and dust and all those balls escaped.  As the dust clears, I look out to see a new horizon.  For now, there are no "Red Balls".  For now, I don't have to fire back anything.  I stand in awe of the magnitude of this change.

It's amazing!